


When can I see you again?

by Zaryav



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: All they need is love, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Artist Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Connor Deserves Happiness, Deaf Character, Evan Hansen and Jeremy Heere are Step-Siblings, F/M, Internalized Homophobia, Jeremy Heere's father is a good father, M/M, Married Heidi Hansen/Jeremy Heere's Father, Michael's in love with Jeremy, Nobody is Dead, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Harm, Sign Language, Slow Romance, Trans Jeremy Heere, Usual text messages
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:14:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24493333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zaryav/pseuds/Zaryav
Summary: Connor doesn't understand the meaning of the parties until he meets Evan Hansen at one, yet Connor doesn't dare to admit to himself that the reason why he doesn't stop thinking about Evan is because he's in love with him. And the problem comes when Connor realizes that he wont be able to see him at school because Evan studies at home since he's deaf.Connor will have to figure out how to see back Evan one more time.
Relationships: Evan Hansen & Jeremy Heere & Michael Mell & Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, Heidi Hansen/Jeremy Heere's Father, Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell, Michael Mell & Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 67





	1. I'm a sorry sucker and this happens all the time.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm obsessed with putting Tree bros and Boyf riends together 'cause I love them so I had to do this.
> 
> English isn't my mother tongue so I would appreciate if you would inform me of any errors to correct them.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Looks like they abandoned us here."
> 
> "Who needs them?"
> 
> Evan gave her a toothy smile for the first time that night.

He's there, standing like a fool and it is not for less because he actually feels like one right now.

He's trying to answer to himself why he agreed to go to a party with Zoe. Especially a noisy one like this. He doesn't know when the definition of party changed a lot of people in a bar almost having sex in the middle of the dance floor while getting drunk, but it's what he has in front of him and he doesn't know if it is worth moving forward at this point or if he should just back out of the plan.

"You're going to love it." Zoe looks quite lively with her wavy hair and a pastel pink tank top. "Come here, I have some friends to introduce you." She drags Connor around the bar dodging people of all stripes, from tall, burly men to long, red-haired girls. She continues to pull him until they are near an empty table and Zoe leaves him there waiting with the promise that she'll return as soon as she finds her friends so that she can introduce them.

Connor doesn't even want to meet Zoe's silly friends, Cinthya forced him to come here.

So Connor sits at the first table he sees available near the back of the place where it's not full of crumbs of food and walks there with the best annoyed face he can put on. The heat of the environment makes Connor consider taking off his hoodie because he can feel the wetness on his forehead, but he laughs wryly in his mind because of course he's not going to take off his damn hoodie, not in a public place at least.

Not with Zoe around so he can run to tell his mother.

He's looking at his thin hands resting on his thighs when suddenly he feels that he must look forward where he finds a plump blond boy sitting across from him at the same table. The boy fidgets uncomfortably completely unaware that the table's already occupied by Connor.

"Hey, this table is busy." Connor tries to raise his voice over the noise of the music, which seems a rather futile attempt, and it is because the boy passes over his reproach. "Fuck ..."

Connor looks around raising his head above the crowd looking for his sister wherever she's with no trace of luck.

"You didn't even ask if you could sit here, man!" The boy didn't flinch and didn't even look at him even though the people around Connor had still heard him to the shrill noise of loud music.

Connor was determined to leave the table assuming this was one of those rude guys who take what they want without giving a damn. But then a growing idea in his mind stopped him, he thought of the possibilities, it didn't take long for him to formulate to himself that maybe this was a joke so that Connor would explode so that everyone would witness the monster that he was.

He gets up and hits the table with an anger growing inside him. "WHO SENT YOU HERE!?" Connor was getting too upset by this point by the attitude of this guy in front of him who seemed not to react to anything that happened beyond the tip of his nose.

"Connor!" Zoe's voice reached her ears. Once again her sister was walking through the crowd of teenagers this time with two boys following in her footsteps like souls carried by the devil. "Here you are, they are-"

"Someone sent this child to bother me." Connor hissed in his sister's ear sounding too flustered for her liking. She looked at him puzzled, looking for a way to keep him calm.

"Nobody sent him to bother you, he's friends with Jared."

"Evan, I told you to introduce yourself, they'll think you're a fucking freak." Jared said pulling the arm of the boy who finally deigned to look at something other than the soles of his shoes. "Sorry, I should have said it earlier, he's deaf."

> **zero**  
>  "First meet."

When you're a teenager stuck in high school, you can only have one identity. Zoe Murphy was the girl in the jazz band, Alana Beck the know-it-all, and Jared Kleinman the idiot in the class.

Connor Murphy, meanwhile, was Zoe Murphy's brother in the first years of elementary school. Then he was the kid who throws printers at teachers and in high school, he was the would-be school shooter.

Of course, Connor hated it, but on the other hand, he was fine with it. You couldn't be the depressed kid with the noose around your neck if you were a potential murderer and you couldn't be the fucking fag when people already knew that if someone pulled the trigger it was probably you.

In high school, you can only have one identity, and if Connor can pretend he's not a shitty homosexual who cries every night he doesn't dare to cut deeper in his skin, then he will. He'll put on the costume and pretend until school is out or until he dies and takes this secret to his grave.

Sometimes he asks himself if he'll ever be brave enough to accept the reality that has haunted him since he was thirteen years old and had the misfortune to discover it.

He's intrigued to know if he'll end up being an old and worn out man who will have a beautiful wife with whom he'll never have intimacy because everything will feel wrong. If she wants children, while Connor won't be able to give her that because he will be in love with a co-worker. He'll drink at a bar until three in the morning and head off to a cheap motel with the first man who stands in front of him, waking up the next morning hating himself more than he's ever done his entire life. He will think that he is hiding it very well under the mat, but she will somehow know it and thus begin to sleep on the sofa. Until she's kind enough to herself and asks for a divorce.

If his life could be more pathetic than it already is, it would definitely be that way.

Lying more and more just to get through the day with a burden he didn't ask to have. He will deceive himself so successfully that Cynthia will stop asking why he looks so sad and angry all the time, and Larry will never ask him to become a man again.

The only problem is that Connor is transparent, no matter how hard he tries to pretend that he is not gay or that he is not angry for being gay and not having the courage to admit it even to himself, that he is not sad all the time and that he does not know why. because everyone knows. Larry won't stop calling him a fag when he thinks Connor isn't listening through the thin walls at midnight, Cynthia will have that compassionate look whenever she sees him, like he's dead and all that wanders the house is his empty ghost .

Connor wants to imagine that the future holds something better for him, that this feeling of hatred will pass at some point in his life, but it has been a long time since he lost faith that that could happen.

_Things are never that easy for him._

"Connor, why don't you join Zoe and have fun outside?" He wants to say no to that usual compassionate look, he wants to yell at her to leave him alone because he doesn't want to be with his sister's stupid friends.

"I don't wanna go out." He mutters instead, picking at the food on his plate with his fork. It's just the two of them that Saturday morning. Zoe is in her bass classes until one in the afternoon and hopefully Larry won't be back until midnight when Connor can lock himself in his room without anyone asking any questions.

She sucks in air filling her lungs and caresses the back of his hand.

"Just think about it, Zoe is going to college next year. It's a great time to be together as siblings. Sometimes I miss not spending more time with my siblings," says Cynthia. Connor pulls his hand away, dragging it away from his mother's touch quickly. She looks at him hurt.

"If I go with her, will you leave me alone?" The worst part about being Connor Murphy is saying things that you don't mean just because something in him picks up momentum.

It's impulsive and depressing, a rift waiting for the worst moment to be turned on and explode.

"You could have a good time, it's Saturday." The worst part of being Cynthia Murphy was putting up with all the shit from her family with the best smile on her face. Sometimes Connor regretted that she was still with them just because a lovely, beautiful woman like her could have the world at her feet and yet she has always been here.

Connor hates himself for talking to his mother like that, that's why he punishes himself that afternoon with a couple of cuts to his wrist after showering like almost every day. He looked curiously at her slender thighs, her knee bones were almost showing, and he was tempted to mark a few lines on them.

Ginger Mcallister from the church camp her father forced her to attend two years ago cut her thighs. She said it was safer for no one to see. The caretakers never checked their thighs and girls could not wear skirts higher than the beginning of the knee. She could cut herself deeper and more painful, but that always required wearing tights and two shorts to hide so much blood that it sometimes seeped through the fabric.

He holds the razor tight between his fingers and a gaze determined to cause himself pain for all the mistakes he has made. There's barely a slight contact between your skin and the metal of the razor when there is a knock on the bathroom door.

"Connor, come on, I need to use the bathroom before we go." Zoe punches a few times scaring Connor in surprise.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck." Mutters. He keeps the razor in his clothes while he tangles himself in a towel that covers as much skin as possible, he is about to open the door when he remembers that he left blood in the shower that he has to clean if he does not want Zoe to say something to him. his mother.

"Connor, I don't have all day."

"Don't disturb," he yelled as he yanked the door open. Connor runs away with his clothes in his hands, he hears his sister snort in annoyance, but he doesn't stay to check anything.

Your heart beats a thousand per hour thanks to the adrenaline of almost being trapped and it is as if a voice inside you is asking you to stop.

 _Ha, ha, ha_. Three huge, sarcastic laughs.

_As if Connor could do it._

  
"I'm Jared and this is Evan," says the boy with the glasses taking the blond boy by the shoulders putting him almost so close to Connor that it seems they are going to touch the tips of their noses.

"I'm Alana Beck, we go to the same school, but I'm a senior, I've seen you in the hallways and also because you're Zoe's brother." The girl next to Zoe steps forward offering Connor a hand that he never waves. She is unaffected by Connor's rejection and instead gives him a toothy smile.

"Well why don't we sit down?" Zoe offers pointing to the table that Evan and Connor occupied anantes. The group of teenagers follows her and they take a place. "I'm dying for a Sherley Temple." Alana nods excitedly at the idea. "I'll go get some drinks, does anyone want something?"

"I want a long island iced tea and Evan a non-alcoholic lemonade." Jared asks after Evan does some hand movements.

"Connor?"

Connor comes out of his reverie and looks away from Evan directing it towards his sister who looks at him expectantly along with two pairs of curious eyes towards his body.

"I just want a soda."

"Okay," he says. "Connor, watch my bag."

"I accompany you." Alana takes Zoe's hand and is guided to the crowded bar to order everyone's drinks.

Connor senses the look of the pair of boys, he finally makes up his mind to face them because he still hasn't apologized for getting excited about Evan and he's pretty sure everyone here thinks he's a paranoid idiot.

He's willing to apologize, if he doesn't now he at least hopes that by the end of the night he can at least say something to Evan. Naturally, Connor has never been good with apologies because he never apologizes for anything. He never cares about the people around him because the people around him don't care about him, and so why should he owe them the slightest consideration?

However, Evan didn't do anything and it's not because Connor feels guilty about being the same shitty idiot, it's because Connor feels guilty about being the same shitty idiot with a deaf boy.

"Hey, Murphy." The guy with the glasses speaks to him by slapping Evan before pushing him aside and continuing to speak. "Do you dance?"

Connor keeps a stern look on his face in an attempt to push Jared's stupid grin off his face, but it seems like nothing works to get his idiot face off.

"No," Connor says almost sounding very defensive.

"Easy, don't talk to me like that, he wanted me to ask." Jared raises his hands in a position of peace before standing up and looking at the track. "Anyway, I'm going to dance." Jared waves his hands in Evan's direction, telling him something Connor can't understand. "Take care of Evan while I get some girls."

Connor rolled his eyes because of course Jared was that kind of guy. How is it that you leave your friend with a complete stranger? Of course it's not like Connor is going to do something to Evan and he's not a total stranger because Jared and Evan know his sister.

When Connor directs his gaze towards the bar where Zoe and Alana are supposed to be getting everyone's drinks. Instead he finds the girls flirting with a couple of pretty handsome boys, but with a big idiot face that someone like Connor could identify even a hundred miles away. Tall and stocky sportsman type from a teenage Netflix series, one very blond with blue eyes and the other a little shorter dark, but with a much squarer smile. _Connor almost laughed at the cliché of the scene._

Zoe has never been good with men, the last guy she brought home had a calf tattoo for every girlfriend he had ever fucked, and he had no problem putting his leg up to the table to show everyone. Obviously his parents hated him and almost kicked him out when he said that at the table. The memory was very present in Connor's mind; Cynthia's face had fallen into a grimace of disgust and terror that he had never seen in her and Larry turned so red with anger that it matched perfectly with the color of the tablecloth on the table. Connor would have laughed if it hadn't been for the jerk accused him of being part of the group of students who stayed in detention for smoking in the school bathrooms with Michael Mell and Stan McCain.

That afternoon Zoe received a lecture on bad relationships and how sex led to teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. And Connor for his part, was punished for three months for smoking at school and five for smoking in general. So they took away his cell phone and his allowance.

Connor looks back at Evan who hasn't moved from his starting position since Jared went to God knows where. He doesn't realize how awkward this can be until it's just the two of them at the table, and he suddenly realizes that communication between the two seems like an extremely distant and even impossible thing. Connor doesn't know sign language, he never considered that it was something he needed for his daily life, no one bothered to tell him that it was so important. And now Connor is sitting there in front of this guy not knowing what to do because he doesn't know how to communicate with Evan or even if he wants to do it because it seems too complicated and he doesn't want to do something rude tonight. The scene at the beginning of the night was self-sabotage enough for today.

However Evan is so withdrawn and uncomfortable that Connor feels sorry for him because he knows how that feels. The feeling of not fitting in and how anywhere would be better if he just slipped away forever.

He reaches for the napkin holder in the center of the table and grabs a napkin that he rests on the table, then rummages through Zoe's bag until he finds a blue ink pen. Connor can feel Evan's gaze on his head as he leans down to write a few words on the napkin which he then hands to the blond boy. Evan receives the napkin somewhat hesitantly.

**"I'm sorry I yelled at you."**

Connor sees Evan's eyes move as he reads the note on the napkin. Eyes as blue as the sky at three in the afternoon on a sunny, cloudless day. He realizes that he has never seen such beautiful blue eyes under a bunch of long blonde lashes that caught the lights on the dance floor.

The boy extends the note to him almost a minute later with a shaking hand and head lowered in an attempt to meet Connor's gaze.

_"It's okay, I couldn't even hear you."_

Connor also receives the pen and does not notice the spots that begin to paint his fingertips.

**"If you had, you would absolutely hate me."**

Connor hands over the napkin and Evan receives it.

_"Jared said you sounded really upset, I'm sorry I made you mad."_

They repeat the routine until Connor forgets the fact that he can actually speak, and this feels strangely familiar in a way he never imagined.

**"You didn't piss me off, I thought someone was playing a prank on me."**

_"Why would you believe that?"_

Evan looked at him curiously, his brows furrowing in two adorable arches.

**"People at school do this shit with me sometimes."**

_"That sounds horrible."_

Connor rolled his eyes as his shoulders sagged under Evan's gaze that twisted his lips.

**"Do you study?"**

_"My stepfather educates me at home. He's a teacher."_

**"Lucky one."**

Evan looks up at Connor after finishing reading and Connor realizes how cruel his words are. He quickly reacts and denies with a pained look, wanting to apologize. Evan denies and waves his hands dismissively.

_"It's actually pretty good, I always hated school."_

Connor smiled at Evan when he smiled shyly at him.

"Sorry I'm late, Lana was talking to some guys back there." Zoe shooks her head, indicating where they were coming from. She puts the drinks on the table talking between giggles. Alana playfully tapped her on the shoulder.

"Do you mind if Zo and I dance with them? Maybe you have girls to dance with you." Connor grabs his canned soda, uncapping it almost immediately, his mouth felt dry. Alana hands Evan her drink, stretching barely on the table. Connor sees one of the guys they were with pointing at them and muttering things to each other.

Connor's shoulders sag. "They don't seem like nice guys."

"They were nice," says Zoe.

"Then do what you want, Zoe." She rolls her eyes before pulling Alana by the forearm to follow her to the pair of boys on the dance floor.

A napkin appears in front of him, Connor didn't realize when Evan grabbed the pen.

_"Did you see how that guy looked at them?"_

Evan's worried face waited for an answer.

**"Let's just keep an eye out for those assholes to do something to them."**

Connor sank into his chair sliding down as he crossed his arms. Obviously he didn't know how to fight, he had been in fights since the fourth grade because the kids were a big shit and they used to tease him until he reached his limit and suddenly he was the maniac who throws printers at the teachers. But Connor was not a good guy with punches, he once hit Kevin Anderson and knocked the air out of him, however Kevin's punch left Connor a black eye, at least Kevin broke his wrist.

A long and incoherent sound similar to the moan of a dying animal can be heard between the music and the screams of the people by the work of a miracle. Jared comes crawling with two colored hoops and traces of phosphorescent paint on his cheek on his nose. The guy with glasses flops into a seat next to Evan and leans his weight onto the table before holding his drink between his sweaty fingers and giving him a long drink that made his Adam's apple rise and fall ending a long 'ah'.

"Evan you have to go with those girls, they are amazing." Evan shook his head and hands under Connor's attentive curious gaze. "Do you really want to stay here with Connor?" Evan's face was colored a deep red that made him hide his face between the collar of his sweater. "Connor, why don't you come over and Evan have a little fun and move his butt a bit?"

"I don't dance."

"Everybody dances, man." Jared snorted in a giggling laugh.

Ha! Yes, of course.

"I don't." Connor repeated determinedly with a stern look directed at Jared who raised his hands in a sign of peace again before nudging Evan on the arm.

"Okay, couple dickheads, I'll go get some fun." Jared shakes his body to the beat of a horrible disco song. Connor didn't even know that shit was still legal.

_"Looks like they abandoned us here."_

**"Who needs them?"**

Evan gave her a toothy smile for the first time that night.

  
The night turns cold and dark. In the parking lot of the bar, music is a secondary factor that is covered by the noise of the crickets and the wind hits them hard, crushing their bones.

"Do you have a car?" Alana asked pulling out the keys to her greenish blue Volkswagen.

"My mother brought us." Zoe explained, twisting her lips as she raised her right shoulder.

"Well, I can take them all."

"Let's go to my house first, I'm peeing." The girls grimaced in disgust. Zoe hit Jared's arm playing, making the boy laugh.

"Then I'll leave Jared, then you." Alana turned to Evan who was staring at the ends of his gray vans. She tapped Evan's shoulder with a pointed finger, drawing the boy's attention. "Will your mom agree if I take you a little later?"

Evan bit his lower lip and shook it doubtfully. Alana smiled at him, ignoring that the answer was probably yes.

The seats in the car were left with Alana at the wheel, Evan in the seat behind Alana, Connor in the middle, Jared at the other end, and Zoe in the passenger seat. Connor will deny any accusations of having pushed Jared to sit next to Evan.

Along the way they heard a lot from Coldplay because it's Alana's favorite group and Zoe hummed each and every song as if she knew them more than just by heart.

They didn't take them long to get to Jared's house, who lived near the only mall in town, and before getting off he said something to Evan in signs that Connor couldn't identify. The boy noisily said goodbye to everyone else before heading home. Zoe laughed at Jared's gait which seemed quite drunk up to this point. Connor rolled his eyes.

The rest of the way to the Murphy house, Connor took a look at Evan with a certain sense of wonder towards the boy. Evan was a nice person to look at once you got used to his round face with nice bushy eyebrows and a nice round nose. The truth's that Evan awakened a special charm like no other.

He wasn't exactly handsome as a magazine model, but he had a beauty that his grandmother used to call 'hiss beauty', of course five year old Connor inexperienced in beauties beyond that Play-Doh package never understood the meaning of that. sentence. However, the seventeen-year-old beauty expert Connor found the definition in Evan as a calm and electrifying beauty like no other.

With those tropical storm eyes and hair that seemed to be sprayed with sunlight, Connor couldn't imagine anyone more accurate for his grandmother's description.

However, nice things don't last forever and in a head like Connor's, there's no room for nice things. Of course the bad thoughts aren't long in coming and everything around him yells at him that he's a fag for thinking this way about Evan.

Larry's voice calling him a little man, a chocolate man worthless as such and without doing justice to his penis floods his mind in a bad game.

He looks away from Evan and slides to the other end of the couch away from Evan's body as if his touch is going to burn him.

Connor deserves hell for thinking Evan is attractive.

Men aren't attractive to other guys, that is not natural. His head tells him in an infinite and suffocating echo. Connor feels like he can't breathe and the urge to get out of this stupid blue Volkswagen grows more overwhelming. The smell of the flower-shaped air freshener doesn't help you relax because the smell is disgustingly sweet and it's intoxicating your lungs.

Connor wants to run.

Connor wants to explode.

He's short of breath and has plenty of emotions.

Feels like he's going to vomit.

Wants to run off and wait for a car to pass and crush him like a child's soccer ball.

He wants to disappear and then ...

And then Evan is stroking his back with a touch barely noticeable to him, but it burns like wildfire on Connor's skin.

"See you Monday at school." Zoe is leaning into the car like she doesn't want to say goodbye just yet. "Bye Evan, it was nice meeting you."

"Bye, Connor." Alana waved her hand. Connor nodded before turning her gaze to Evan.

"Bye," she replied without taking her eyes off Evan.

Zoe waved her hand at the Volkswagen one last time that night and they both entered the house before Alana drove off to Evan's house.

"You had fun?"

"How much do you know about Evan?"


	2. When we're outta touch and I must say more than ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Maybe I want to ask her out." Connor wonders if Evan would be like Michael, maybe he didn't do drugs or smoke.
> 
> "No, if you want to ask her out, do it up front." Jared rushes to stop him as Murphy is leaving the yard to enter the school.
> 
> "I'll give you what you want."
> 
> "It's late."
> 
> "Zoe said you wanted to know more about Evan ..." Jared said.

"About Evan?" Zoe thinks a long time, almost savoring the name between her tongue repeating it several times in a very low volume, perhaps contemplating the millions of things she can say about Evan, if he already knows what he'll study when it's time to go to university in two years, if he likes sports, if he has an embarrassing memory in a clothing store, if he has a girlfriend. "I don't know anything, I met him today, but you seem to have enjoyed his company."

"I didn't," Connor said with a frown refusing to accept his disappointment. "I just have to give him back his pen." Connor takes the blue ink pen out of his pocket and feels one of the napkins in which he continued his conversation with Evan, however, he doesn't take it out of there, he doesn't want Zoe to see it. He shows her the pen and she smiles before snatching it from his hands.

"This pen is mine, Connor."

Connor bites the inside of his cheek trying by all means possible to hide the enormous and growing blush that begins to paint on his embarrassed face. How could Zoe find out that that ordinary blue dot pen was her and not Evan's?

"It was my mistake, it doesn't matter then." Connor says in his best 'I don't give a shit' tone as he climbs the stairs to his room at the end of the hall.

"Good night, Connor!" Zoe screams from below and Connor flees in embarrassment.

His heart beats at miles per hour and for a moment it seems like it's going to leak out of his rib cage with the loud pumping echoing in his eardrums.

A strange sensation begins to settle in the center of his stomach, as if he has swallowed a bowling ball and that's only sinking him; Vague and clouded ideas cross his mind with the speed in which a hurricane comes and takes everything in its path; everything's so fuzzy until the moment a word crosses in front of him and Connor has to back off because it's definitely not that, he would kill himself if it was that.

That phrase he doesn't plan to admit even with a Beretta 92 pressed to his forehead and a finger waiting to pull the trigger.

Connor is not that and he knows that Evan would feel disgusted if he discovered the disgusting thoughts that cross Connor's mind.

Evan is a man, men don't like other men.

Connor doesn't like men and he by no means likes Evan.

**one**  
"First steps."

Mondays are the worst day to have a migraine, everyone knows it and it's an unwritten universal rule: 'Don't have a migraine on Mondays.'

If migraines knew about it and followed that rule, the world wouldn't be such a bad place. At least that's what Connor thinks during Calculus class where all the neurons that marijuana hasn't killed it are trying to figure out what the hell is going on on the blackboard. _"It's the consequences of skipping school to smoke in the bathrooms,"_ says the stupid voice in his head that thinks it has the power to reproach him for something.

The teacher keeps babbling about things that Connor can't understand and he prefers to look at his cell phone or walk out of this stupid classroom that reeks of chocolate deodorant because, another disadvantage of not attending class is having to sit behind the soccer players from the school. Maybe in the television series and in the teenage movies the players are praised by the whole school as gods, but in the low-budget series canceled in the middle of its second season that's the life of Connor Murphy, the football players smell sweat mixed with deodorant and he doesn't want them around.

"Remember that this task has an important percentage in the final grade." The teacher closes his portfolio and types a few things on his gray computer that has a stupid stamp of the square root symbol on the cover. Connor scoffs silently before seeing his classmates huddle around him in pairs.

Of course Connor doesn't care, he doesn't even usually take this class, no one will care if he doesn't do a school project at the beginning of the year.

"Hi." Connor raises his head to the person standing to his right. Cindy White, one of the prettiest girls in school greets him by throwing back her pretty black hair. "I was wondering if you already had a partner for the task."

"I'm not doing any homework," Connor replied unfazed.

"Uhm ... well, it's an important task and I really wish we could do it together." Cindy White was her neighbor for eight years, lived next door and played with Zoe a few times until her older brother Alexander was taken to a military boarding school for having a sick tendency to set things on fire. Then Connor stopped looking at her as the most beautiful girl in the world because he realized that he never felt that way towards her. Of course she was an attractive girl, huge gray eyes and straight black hair were just the perfect set for skin as caramelized as hers. But Connor never found that something that all the boys seemed to find in Cindy White or the rest of the girls in general.

"I don't even usually come to this class." He makes one last attempt to shake her off.

"I know." She opens her notebook and pulls out a piece of paper that she knows was previously prepared, as if Cindy knew this was going to happen. She reaches out her hand and slides it between Connor's fingers. "Call me if you change your mind."

Cindy walks away with the rest of the students to go out into the hallway that is flooded with people. She walks away wagging her pretty hair with her walk and disappears into the rowdy crowd. An idea runs through Connor's mind, and if Cindy was interested in him, that probably meant that he wasn't gay, women like Cindy would never make the mistake of looking at a gay.

_Maybe Connor would call her._

"Would you gift a signature to the campaign to save the town's apple orchard?" Connor looks up quickly as he recognizes Alana's voice from across the hall. The girl holds a board and offers it to anyone who passes it and is not such a son of a bitch. "Oh good morning, Connor. Would you sign for the apple orchard?"

Connor signs the sheet with the pen with inhuman speed. "Can I ask you a question without you telling anyone... and especially Zoe?"

"Connor, I can't promise that, Zoe is my best friend and if her little brother's in trouble, it would be more appropriate for me to tell her, do you understand that?" _No, he doesn't understand that at all._

"I'm not into any shit."

"Still, Zo and I told each other everything."

"What are you, preschool girls?" Alana smiles. Teeth as perfect as a dentist's daughter. Hoever, Connor doesn't know if her parents are dentists.

"I'm sorry Connor, but there are no secrets between us."

Connor growls annoyed. "Thanks for nothing then."

He turns around and walks into the sea of students before Alana can tell him anything else that definitely won't help him and won't care enough either. He has yet to get to his English class and the least he needs is Zoe making fun of him and Alana seeding him like her grandmother would if she were still alive.

A few hours later he's on his lunch period and is surprised that he has been at school for so long. Connor hasn't eaten in the cafeteria since fourth grade when he decided eating wasn't something he wanted to do when he could sleep on the playground. There was a huge tree with amazing shade and a comfortable carpet of grass under it. He wasn't going to waste something like that, being ten wasn't synonymous with being stupid.

Connor walks to his usual spot to hang out, though lately he was sneaking out with Michael Mell to the men's room and they smoked whatever Mell brought to school, Michael hadn't been around much for a few days.

When he's walking to get to his tree the most opportune of his life appears in front of him wearing hideously thick glasses and a horrible drugged Bugs Bunny print T-shirt. Connor was surprised that no one forced him to take that off, once at the church camp his father forced him to go they made him remove his shoes because they had a skull in the design. So he spent the rest of the camp barefoot because Larry never answered his calls asking him to get him out of there or at least bring him a pair of shoes.

"Look who we have here, Mr. 'I don't dance' in person." Jared extends both arms out to the sides. Connor rolls his eyes and wonders if it's an automatic effect of his body when Jared is around.

"Didn't you come up with something better?"

"Don't ask too much when the hangover has taken its toll." He points a finger at it.

"That was Saturday."

"Pft, for you," says Jared. "For Jared Kleinman the party never ends." Jared's pointing with two thumbs. "Are you in a rock band or a motorcycle group?"

"Not." Connor responds hesitantly as to why Jared would ask something like that.

"So why the leather jacket?" He holds one end of the jacket between his fingers and looks at it scrutinizingly before releasing it. "Are you in a cult or something?"

"Why did you even come to that conclusion?"

Jared's shoulders sag. "People say things, one of that's you make satanic pacts and shit like that." Connor rolled his eyes again before turning and walking away from this asshole. Why did he stay to talk to him from the beginning to begin with? "Wait, it was a joke, pal."

"I'm not your friend."

"Whatever you say."

"And your jokes aren't funny."

"That's debatable."

Jared laughed, a horrible nasal laugh that reminded him of his father's perverted old uncle. Connor wrinkled his nose and continued on his way away from Jared, the boy seemed to have the mental capacity of a beaten squirrel because he followed Connor like a faithful dog would as if he didn't realize that Connor didn't really want him around.

"I heard Cindy White gave you her number." Connor lengthened his strides, he wasn't stupid, of course he knew where this was all going. "You like her?"

"I don't have to answer that." Jared blew air through his nose in derision.

"Yes, of course."

"What?"

"Who doesn't like Cindy White?" Connor looked at him in a strange way that had the least expected effect on Jared. "Of course Zoe is pretty too, but it would be weird if you said your sister is hot. From incest and stuff, you know."

"You're disgusting," the taller boy muttered, sighing heavily. "Why do you care if I like White?"

Jared shrugged adjusting his huge Budy Holly style glasses on the bridge of his nose, for a moment it reminded him of a character from The Muppets, of course much more gloomy and less childish. Kind of like The Muppets had a show for Adult Swim where Kermit the frog swore and Miss Piggy had a raunchy cleavage to warm up horny teens. "Because if you don't like her, that means you can give me her number, like a good Samaritan would."

"You just said I'm satanic."

"That doesn't mean you're a bad person."

"I won't give you her number."

"But you don't even like her, why would you want her number?"

"Why would you want hers?" Connor asks. "To send her pictures of your penis?"

Jared takes the glasses off his face and wipes the lenses with his horrible Bugs Bunny T-shirt that seems to follow him with his eyes. Connor wonders if his eyes actually look like this after smoking marijuana. It's hard for him to know because they have only done it three times and Michael never allows them to overuse.

Wondering how is it that Michael is such a good student, how do you keep from being a disaster when you are the definition of a disaster? Michael was a good boy, Connor was sometimes exasperated by how enthusiastic he could be, but he was the only person who seemed to care about him, at least when they were smoking. Michael never left him alone, nor did he question him when he was on his worst days.

"Maybe I want to ask her out." Connor wonders if Evan would be like Michael, maybe he didn't do drugs or smoke.

"No, if you want to ask her out, do it up front." Jared rushes to stop him as Murphy is leaving the yard to enter the school.

"I'll give you what you want."

"It's late."

"Zoe said you wanted to know more about Evan ..." Jared said. Connor felt like the world had put his body on hold, suddenly he's not moving and a part of him is curious what Jared might say, but Connor is also proud and too air-headed so he doesn't plan to indulge him. to Jared, much less Zoe, he knows she will tease him non-stop if Connor dares to accept a deal like that.

"Zoe's crazy."

Connor takes one last drag on his cigarette before tossing it to the ground and stomping on it with the soles of his black converse. He looks around looking for Michael who didn't show up again and gives up, maybe Michael changed schools and he didn't even know it because they didn't share any class together. Maybe he didn't know because they weren't even friends.

The line between acquaintances and friends is something that Connor has never been able to decipher, it's an enigma that stalks him like a wolf prey, he has never called anyone a 'friend' because he fears that the other person feels that Connor is being tied, and Connor is not one to get tied down.

Connor Murphy is not the type to have friends, he doesn't have a girlfriend and he has no ties.

A presence as ephemeral as his doesn't have a pole to tie himself to so as not to float away.

However, that afternoon when he returns home to find himself lying on the floor of his bedroom while listening to The All-American Rejects on his cell phone with the headphones and he thinks about the number for Cindy that still remains in his pocket. Connor reaches into his pants pocket to pull out Cindy's number so he can decide whether or not to accept her proposal to work together.

But what he pulls out is a crumpled napkin with letters, and Connor's heart races like he's run a forty-eight-hour marathon without a break. He unfolds the napkin to read the contents, more tempted to throw it away and burn it than to read it.

**"I hate the smell of coffee."**

_"If working in a cafeteria is horrible to me, it must be hell for you then."_

**"It's still better than working in a bar with disco music."**

_"That's not a problem for me-"_

Connor curses when he can't finish reading the note because of the ink that ran on the rest of the napkin. Still, an idea comes to Connor's mind like a ray of hope; Evan seems to have admitted that he works at a coffee shop. If Connor could figure out which coffee shop Evan worked at, then he might see him one more time.

Of course it's just because he liked Evan the way he would like a good friend, and Connor was determined to make some friends from now on; there was nothing wrong with wanting to befriend someone specific, after all, humans decided who could get into their personal circle, animals had other methods, but at the end of the day they were all the same, and if Evan was up for it. Okay, so the two of you could be good friends.

Of course, for a small town where the most extraordinary thing that could happen was a child obsessed with pyromancy, anyone would expect the coffee shops to be low in number; However, near his street there were at least two cafeterias and near his school there were at least four identical establishments. Three Starbucks, two on the outskirts of town and one near the only mall.

Sometimes he can be shocked by how much coffee people are used to drinking for being so stinky in Connor's opinion. Just thinking about it he was already wrinkling his nose.

If Connor made a map of all the places where they sold coffee things would be much easier, but it's also stupid because what is he going to do if he finds Evan? He cannot come and tell him how he searched for him in heaven, sea and land, because why would he do that? Why would anyone search for someone so desperately? That seemed like harassment taken to another level, like someone with Criminal Minds.

Up until this point, Connor had believed his entire life that he was totally sane, and sometimes things come to an end.

Connor registers Cindy White's number in his cell phone contacts, but doesn't send her a message. She greets him in the hallways, but Connor is more focused on debating his morale and whether looking for Evan in the directory wll a legal move.

 _You don't even have his last name_ , he tells himself. Biology class is worse than he expected, the teacher made them pull out a huge fat book that he didn't know they had asked for on the supply list at the beginning of the year. Cindy White sits next to him, and Connor doesn't even know if she's in this class or if he made a mistake on his schedule. She extends a book just like the rest of the students and puts it in the center, Connor assumes that they could both read.

"Did you already think about the project?" She asks, her lips look shiny and she's so close to Connor that he can smell the strawberry scent.

"I guess I forgot." Connor doesn't want to read biology, he wants to go home for a nap.

"Well give me an answer now," Cindy says. "I've been waiting for your message for days."

"Why are you so interested in working with me?" The smile on Cindy's pink face grows harmoniously.

"Because I like you." Cindy shortens the distance between their bodies and suddenly their shoulders are touching. "You are mysterious."

"There's nothing mysterious about me." Connor mutters.

"Well whatever you are, I love it." Connor is struck by Cindy's ease of speaking so directly, and while he knows other guys would be drawn to her, he doesn't find anything attractive towards Cindy, though he really wishes she could help him get Evan off his mind.

The teacher looks up and takes a quick look around the room, Connor muttering in the girl's ear. "Then maybe I'll agree to do that project with you ..."

And he feels strange.

Connor kissed Cindy White, or actually Cindy kissed him stamping her pretty lips on Connor's. They were soft and his hair smelled like one of those conditioners Zoe used for her jazz band performances; however, Connor didn't feel too much about it. His heart didn't race the second time and he guessed that the first time it was more the look of being taken by surprise and his stomach churned like he was going to throw up, but Connor stayed glued to the girl's mouth because she was pretty. And he supposed he had to like it.

As Cindy ran her tongue over Connor's lips, he imagined he was kissing the girl of his dreams, even though he didn't have one, he guessed that he liked girls like Cindy White with big breasts and little waist because everyone liked girls like Cindy, at least jackass Jared seemed to drive him crazy, although a loser like Kleinman all girls had to be sexy.

She has to put Connor's hands on her waist more than once because the boy seems to have a fixation on keeping his arms by his sides and not on her body.

When they part, Cindy is flustered and flushed, her lips no longer have a trace of lip gloss. Connor runs the sleeve of his shirt over his lips to wipe the ravages from his mouth that hurts like hell and feels swollen as if instead of a kiss he had been punched.

"You are a good kisser." Cindy sticks her body to Connor's. Is he really? "If you want to go out or repeat it sometime I guess you still have my number."

"If you're done, Connor, we have to go." Zoe groans. She carries a pile of notebooks in her arms, she does not realize until she looks around that some people have been watching them.

"Sure." Connor turns around opening the back door for Zoe. His sister keeps her things in the back seat. Then she snatches the keys from her fingers walking up to the driver's door to get in, Connor sits in the passenger seat ignoring Cindy who is staring at her leaning against the parking lot fence until the car drives too far away.

"Cindy White isn't a good girl."

"She used to be your friend."

"Yes, in the past, and she stayed in the past for a reason."

They turn left right in front of a small cafeteria, it has a huge sign in red letters and a couple of tables outside with umbrellas, which is curious, in that town there's hardly ever sun; they always have cold days and cloudy skies. Connor looks away.

"That there were problems between you does not make me guilty of anything." They stop, a stupid traffic light in the middle of a street where no one passed, there were not even people walking, and he wondered why no YouTube channel had made a video about this ghost town.

Zoe clenches her jaw. "She's going to use you and then she'll leave you."

"Did she do it to you?" He asks without expecting his sister's face to warp like that into a grimace that almost seemed to hold hatred or resentment, maybe both, but Connor didn't know if it was towards Cindy or if it was towards him.

"Shut the fuck up, Connor." The traffic light finally turns green and they can move on. "When you realize she's using you, then don't come to me."

"I never would."

And it's true, Zoe has never been an option, he hasn't come to cry on her shoulder since they were eleven years old and their relationship broke down at some point in history. It was to be expected that this would happen, with Zoe entering adolescence more concerned about jazz than about her silly younger brother's problems, it was a matter of time before they stopped having the same relationship as always; especially since that incident at age fifteen for which his father had enrolled him in the camp.

All the Murphys remember it very well, Larry threw himself on Connor and two months later he was on top of a bus that promised to take him to a camp where they would help him find the right path of his life. The worst two months of his life, sharing a room with twenty boys who hated being there as much as he did, being forced to believe something he didn't want to believe, fearing things he never imagined fearing.

They park the car in front of the house, Larry gets mad whenever they use his parking spot and neither of them want to deal with their angry dad at dinner time, it's too much with two Murphys fighting, they don't need one more for dinner.

Cynthia is in the kitchen like every day of her life and at this point she seems more an accessory of the house than an inhabitant of it. Connor doesn't know when was the last time he saw her go out to have fun with friends, or if she still has friends. When Connor and Zoe were younger and their mother would take them on car rides, she would tell them how popular she was at school; Cynthia attended one of those schools with nuns where there were only women, Zoe always wanted to go to one with Cindy White who at that time was her best friend because she lived next door.

Back then Connor wanted to be a nurse and wore a white coat all the time, Larry said that this was a job for women and ended up taking the coat off. Years later Connor found the robe in the shed in a box with things from when they were babies, but he was no longer interested in any of that.

"How was school, guys?" His mother appeared in the kitchen door frame with a cloth in her hands, cleaning up what looked like dough.

"Alana and I started the firms to save the apple orchard."

"Oh, Zoe, that's amazing," says Cynthia. "When you two were little you used to run around the orchard uncontrollably; you once broke your hand there Connor, remember?" She's lookig at him.

"What times!" he murmured sarcastically.

"Shut your mouth, Connor!"

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck you!"

Michael shows up that Thursday; He has a bright smile and a new pair of thick-rimmed glasses, as always when seen in the bathroom to smoke, he's wearing headphones and listening to some Bob Marley. He goes to the bathroom dancing and the first thing he does is throw the glass of an empty slushie into the trash can at the entrance

"Hey, Connor." Michael walks over and they high five hands in greeting.

"Where have you been?" Connor asks, but tries hard not to sound as curious as he really is.

Michael smiles. "You know, over there."

"Did you bring any cigarettes?" He looks around for birds on the wire.

"This is my last reservation," says Michael. If it's the last thing he has, Connor doesn't know why he's sharing it with him. "I think I should quit."

"Why?"

"There's a girl, you probably knew her, Janice Heere from gym class last year."

"I thought she moved out." Michael nods. They both take a drag on their cigarettes and expel the smoke creating a gray cloud around them. "So?"

"She and I sometimes smoked in the basement of my house, we lived near a few streets. We kissed once in seventh grade."

Connor has to close his eyes to try to remember Janice. Light brown hair, blue eyes, and long slim legs; the tip of his nose was flat as if it had been carved out of stone, and his voice was as high-pitched as Zoe's. He has vague memories of ever seeing her together with Michael, but at the time neither of them were really close, however, Michael started talking to Connor because she moved with her mother to Nevada.

"Apparently she'll only be with her mother for a few months, she will return when she finishes some unfinished business there." Michael slides his glasses over the bridge of his nose. "I think I'm crazy, but I've noticed something different about her. She feels more ... happy."

"Maybe that happens when you leave this crappy town." Connor kicks a piece of paper on the dirty bathroom floor. This must be the most disgusting and unsanitary thing in the world, smoking in a stupid high school bathroom.

"I couldn't know." It slides over the sink. "We haven't talked on the phone, I think I'm starting to like it."

"Yeah ..." Connor has never fallen in love, it's one of those things he sees that people can do except him.

"I heard you and Cindy White have something."

Connor's shoulders sag. "I don't know... she kissed me."

"That makes it something." Someone enters the bathroom. He's a freshman who ignores them because people smoking in bathrooms is more common than anyone might think.

Cindy and he were nothing, he didn't ask anything and she didn't say anything else. Connor didn't want a girlfriend, much less one like Cindy, he didn't seem like the type of person he had anything in common with. Cindy was known for being a smart and pretty girl, she was the best in calculus class, and she was a tennis player. None of that resembled a lost teenager with no future who aspired to be nothing in the world. Even Jared had more meaning in life than Connor Murphy.

"Do you think?"

Michael nods, a smile spreading across his face. "Why don't you ask her out?"

"I don't know, I hate going out."

"I'm just saying," Michael says putting his things in his backpack. "She's a pretty girl, any boy would have asked her to be his girlfriend already."

Connor doesn't want a girlfriend, he doesn't even know if Cindy likes him. "Where are you going?"

"I have a job at my uncle's cafeteria, see you, Connor."

"Wait!" Michael stops. Connor takes the cigarette from his lips. It doesn't hurt to ask, just in case. "Is there someone named Evan there?"

"There are four, including the Evan who delivers us." Connor doesn't know what else to say. "It's a very common name."

Maybe Connor had to give up and just ask Cindy out.


	3. I'm running outta time, going outta my mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Mrs. Murphy, Connor and I have been dating for a few weeks."
> 
> Cynthia's smile doesn't fall, but she hesitates. If Connor didn't know his mother as well as a son is supposed to know his mother, then he just like Cindy would not have noticed. However, Connor can't figure out why she looks so distraught and confused, he doesn't know why she looks like she doesn't expect this from Connor.
> 
> "Oh yeah ... Connor talked about you." Cynthia is lying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Fanart on Tumblr about this Fanfiction: https://zaryav.tumblr.com/post/620454284623003649/when-can-i-see-you-again
> 
> Or you can just visit my Tumblr: Zaryav

Three weeks later and the memory of Evan has almost faded from his mind.

Connor has been seeing Cindy White at school, but they are never seen outside. Connor hasn't asked her out despite the insistence that many people he has never seen put on him.

Alana Beck even intercepted him in one of the hallways one morning. She had her bright white smile painted on her face, the ridges of her hair combed into a bunch of buns, and she was wearing the most hideous shoes Connor had ever seen.

"Heard you and Cindy are dating." Connor rolled his eyes as Alana reached his side.

"I'm not anyone's boyfriend," he murmured, passing among the people who stopped in the middle of the hall to chat. More than once the idea of pushing them all out of his way crossed his mind.

"But I've seen you with her, you guys have even kissed." Connor goes to his locker. He opens it quickly. It's undecorated and the only thing that could indicate that that locker is Connor's was the mess of books and the pair of sweatshirts on top.

His locker is almost down the hall near one of the entrances, which helps when he wants to skip classes, he usually sneaks out with Michael to go to the park that was near the school and smoke some new shit that Mell would have gotten. But it could also be useful in other situations, for example, when you want to avoid your sister's annoying friend.

"That doesn't mean we're dating, Beck."

"Oh ..." She says, Connor can see the surprise on his face. "But ... have you felt better?"

The question makes a hole in his stomach that hits with the force of a punch.

"What the fuck do you mean?" Alana steps back instead. Connor knows he's freaking out, his breathing is heavier and his voice comes out in an angry roar.

"Nothing, forget it." Alana turns to go back down the hall. There is an expression of fear on her face. As if she feared that Connor might hurt her right now.

Connor stays in his place trying to relax. He bites his tongue so hard that for a moment it feels as if it has been cut.

**three**

"Second Chances"

Connor continues to look at the coffee shops in town despite something in his mind asking him to stop. Nobody knows, but he has even escaped from the school twice to see a couple of cafeterias near the park, although he didn't find anything he was looking for on any occasion.

Things with Cindy had gotten weird. Connor felt that she expected Connor to make something, a move or at least say something. Connor wasn't stupid, of course he'd never been in a relationship, but he knew how things worked, or so he thought. Cindy was probably expecting Connor to ask her out, a date at the mall, or maybe she wanted to go to the movies. Cindy had told him about her interest in caring for animals, so a trip to the nature reserve in the next town might be good for her.

However, Connor is not convinced that Cindy likes her. She likes it as something beautiful, she's very attractive, that's very clear to him. The girl is very interesting with all her knowledge about animals that Connor had barely heard of in his life, but she doesn't make him feel anything beyond an intrigue and undeniable admiration.

Cindy has done nothing but kiss and hug him a few times. She even looks for him in the English room to go to Calculus or Biology class together. She grabs his hand, lacing her long fingers between his fingers that are too awkward to function and every now and then, she rests her head on Connor's shoulder, but that doesn't make him feel anything either.

"We're here," his mother said, parking the car. Fall is beginning and the weather is already a little cooler. It's one of Connor's favorite seasons because there are horrible Halloween movies on TV and the neighborhood is filled with Halloween decorations. "C'mon darling."

Cynthia got out of the car and Connor mimicked her by putting on his gloves before closing the car door. His mother opened the trunk to remove the cloth bags they have been using to avoid contaminating more than necessary.

Connor agreed to go shopping with her because last time Zoe convinced her mother not to buy more milk because of a stupid diet and Connor had no milk for a whole month. Now was his chance to buy milk and convince his mother that Zoe's iced tea wasn't a good option for shopping. Not if they wanted to save up for a nice Christmas dinner.

"Look at all those Halloween decorations." Cynthia pointed toward a part of the mall where a couple of teenagers were hanging cobwebs and skeletons on one of the doors. "Will you ask for candy on halloween this year?"

"I'm not a twelve year old boy." Connor responded with a neutral tone in his voice.

"I have to buy candy for when the kids knock on our door." She said as if Connor's comment hadn't affected her in the least. She was excited about Halloween because in years before him and Zoe liked to go out trick-or-treating together, it was as if their mother was trying to hold onto those old things from the past. "We can buy your favorite sweets too, if you want."

"I just want milk," he replied.

"Fine." Cynthia smiled.

The automatic doors of the mall opened for them to enter. In a boring little town like this, the teenagers' after-school outings were straight to the mall. Even though it was a town and therefore there were no big technological advances or whatever, the place had a lot of interesting things like an Arcade full of old video games and a Starbucks that was always packed with people. They even had a movie theater, however Connor still preferred the old town movie theater because they had a drive-in theater and that was a thousand times better than enduring kids kicking their seat or couples having sex in the middle of the movie. Plus they had the same old movies that Connor loved so much almost every day.

"You can go for a walk, Connor, I'll take care of the shopping."

"Are you sure?" Connor wasn't too keen on wandering the mall alone, he's not a go-out guy, much less a lonely guy, but he didn't want to do the shopping either.

"I just need help with the shopping so I'll text you when I'm done to help me get the bags to the car."

Cynthia reached out to stroke Connor's left cheek, to which he recoiled almost reflexively. "It's okay."

His mother smiled at him one last time before leaving. It was the same smile she gave him two weeks after he returned from that camp; the same smile she gave him when she tried to comb his hair and he covered his body with tears in his eyes because that's what they do to you in places like that.

Connor stared at her for a few seconds until her silhouette disappeared. He sighed before turning to the other businesses in the place. He had fifty dollars in his pocket, which was enough money to buy anything. Maybe he could walk into one of those 'all for one dollar' stores and get a load of shit for whatever, however he had gotten that fifty dollars on his own so he had to put his money to better use .

He started walking down the hall past a men's clothing store where he had the urge to go in and try on a black leather jacket similar to the one Larry had confiscated from him, but ended up refusing, the subject would probably take it off and Connor was tired to hide his belongings between the mattress and the base of the bed. Then he came across a beauty supply store where he went in to buy a couple of nail polishes. Just the usual colors, black and yellow, although he was tempted by a bright pink that he ended up refusing to buy.

He continued walking and came to the Arcade, where he found Cindy's group of friends; Connor knew they didn't like him, and to be honest, he didn't like them either, and he didn't go out of his way to pretend otherwise unlike them. They were a fairly large group of three girls. Jenna, Chloe and Brooke who were always glued to their cell phones gossiping about people from school, and Rich and Jake. As annoying as they were stupid, Connor didn't understand why they were so popular with some girls. Jake wasn't even as good a sport as he always bragged and Rich was always trying to rip people off with his junk products.

For some reason, Connor wished he didn't see Cindy there, but luck is never on his side, so she appeared with a smile and lunged at Rich causing him to lose his balance and hit Jake causing him to lose his score in a game of zombies that Connor couldn't identify.

They all looked very happy, even Jenna had joined them and put her cell phone in her pocket. Connor had never seen her take her eyes off the screen. A strange feeling grew in Connor's chest, he wanted to have that too. Having friends with whom he would do more than get high in a dirty school bathroom.

At that moment he turned around and went back to find his mother. He didn't want to be here, and maybe if Connor helped her they would finish faster and they could go home.

He stuffed his varnishes into his jacket and went inside to find Cynthia who should be near the cereal aisle by now, then Connor headed there.

Connor didn't really pay attention to his surroundings, his mind is busy finding his mother's figure. He goes through the cereal aisle, but she's not there, so Connor takes out his cell phone to send her a message and find out where she is, but as soon as he took a couple of steps a body hit him and threw the cell phone on the floor. Connor had the urge to yell at the person guilty for walking like a mindless idiot. However, what he found in front of him was so surprising that he forgot that his cell phone was on the floor.

His heart raced like never before, his stomach churned with a strange sensation, and his face suddenly felt hot. Evan stood in front of him with a face as red as his and with an expression of shock and nervousness that in the interior of Connor's mind seemed the cutest thing in the world.

"Evan ..." Was the only thing that could come out of Connor's mouth. It sounded like a whisper that came out in a sigh. He was surprised to have found him here, of all the places he had looked for him it was fucking ironic to have found it exactly where he hadn't tried to find him.

Evan started waving his hands, probably saying something Connor didn't understand. He bent quickly to pick up Connor's cell phone and hand it over with his shaking hands. He reached out his own hand to receive the device and it was then that he noticed that Evan was wearing what appeared to be a uniform. A black polo shirt with a blue and white logo that read "Café Punta del Cielo," Connor had no idea what that meant, but it seemed to be something in Spanish, and he was also wearing a pair of khaki pants.

"Evan, what happend?" A beautiful blonde woman of Evan's height came up beside them sounding concerned. She was wearing a nurse's gown and her hair carelessly combed into a ponytail held up by a couple of pencils.

Evan turned towards her taking his eyes off Connor, he hadn't even noticed that they had been looking into each other's eyes until Evan shifted his gaze to the woman waving his hands saying something to the woman that Connor didn't understand either. Suddenly it felt like Evan spoke languages other than Connor, like everything about him screamed that he didn't belong here, and not in a bad way, just in the most special way. As if Connor just could never quite figure him out.

"Oh, I get it," the woman murmured with a smile and a more cheerful look. "Are you Jared's friend... Connor?" Connor frowns, he wouldn't be friends with Kleinman even if his life depended on it. "Evan says you met at the bar a month ago." Connor blushed this time, but nodded, reaching out to the woman. "I'm Heidi, Evan's mom."

Connor watched as Evan clung to his mom's arm, like he feared she was embarrassing him, and that amused Connor somehow.

"Evan hasn't stopped talking about you since." Evan blushed even more than before and pulled on his mother's arm harder. "What's going on, Evan?"

Evan moved his hands even faster and more agitated than before. He looked a bit funny, especially when his mother's face was flushed too. Connor noticed then how similar the two were, blond hair, slightly pink skin, and the brightest blue eyes Connor had ever seen before. She even seemed to have more freckles than Evan.

"Maybe you can give me your number, Connor, if that doesn't bother you."

"Uh, yeah, sure." Connor turned on his cell phone hoping that the impact against the floor had not been so strong as to break it. He didn't know his number by heart because no one ever asked him for it and there was no reason to learn it. Heidi for her part rummaged in her bag until she took out a small cell phone. Evan denied and handed him another cell phone, Connor suspected it was his from the slight blush on his cheeks.

"Okay, honey" he said, but Connor didn't know if that was directed at his son or at Connor.

Cynthia called him and Heidi mentioned something about being very tired after a long day at her job as a nurse so Evan and his mother said goodbye to him and went home. Connor watched Evan who turned back briefly and blushed a bit too much when he saw that Connor realized that.

Connor smiled and went to help his mother with the purchases, but first he made sure there was milk included among the purchases, and he mentally cursed when he saw that there was also Zoe's iced tea.

"Oh Connor, you must have seen the variety of candies that were being arranged on the shelves," his mother said excitedly. Connor kept his eyes straight ahead as if that could get him to the car faster to drop the heavy bags. "The desserts looked amazing too and I thought maybe we should have a Halloween party."

"The last time you threw a Halloween party Zoe cried for hours because half the children dressed up as Chucky." Connor scoffed. In fact, he was scared of Chucky too, but he was more focused on stuffing chocolates into his mouth for that to matter.

"She looked so adorable in her zombie costume." Cynthia pouted that drastically changed to a smile. "You looked very handsome dressed as a plumber."

"I was a Ghostbuster, and that's not supposed to be handsome, that's supposed to be scary."

"You are too handsome to be scary, Connor." He wants to laugh, three loud sarcastic laughs because that's not true, Connor isn't handsome and half the people he meets are afraid of him because the other half don't even speak to him anymore.

"Connor?" A sweet voice reached his ears and he couldn't help shutting his eyes tightly. He forgot she was here. "Connor, hi." She greeted once she was close to them.

"Hi," Cynthia is the first to say hello, she looks very excited about this. Obviously she would be, when was the last time someone came up to Connor to say hello? Centuries have surely passed.

"Nice to meet you, miss." Cindy extends her hand to her mother and smiles. Connor knows the world is in her hands when she smiles like that.

"My pleasure." She nodded, barely noticing that Connor hadn't said anything. He's so busy waiting to go, he doesn't even care that Cindy's stupid friends are after her probably laughing at him.

"Uh, Connor?"

"Yes, Mom, this is Cindy, Cindy, this is my ... Mom."

"It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Mrs. Murphy, Connor and I have been dating for a few weeks."

Cynthia's smile doesn't fall, but she hesitates. If Connor didn't know his mother as well as a son is supposed to know his mother, then he just like Cindy would not have noticed. However, Connor can't figure out why she looks so distraught and confused, he doesn't know why she looks like she doesn't expect this from Connor.

"Oh yeah ... Connor talked about you." Cynthia is lying, of course he didn't talk about Cindy, he didn't mention it to anyone in his house and if Zoe knew it was just from their argument a few weeks ago.

"Seriously?" Cindy asked, but it didn't seem like a question to them. "Anyway, you look busy, so see you later. Goodbye, Connor. It was my pleasure, Mrs. Murphy."

"See you." She replied, keeping up with Connor who didn't even bother to open his mouth and all he did was nod at the smiling girl.

  
In the car Connor waited for his mother to keep talking, to ask him a thousand questions about Cindy and if she was already his girlfriend, but surprisingly, for the first time, his mother was silent and simply started the car keeping silent all the way to House.

Connor kept his eyes on the window and noticed a couple of houses a few feet outside the city, just three houses in the middle of an almost deserted place. They reminded him of a grim horror movie.

Everyone is going crazy for Halloween, Connor is not interested in the slightest because apparently they will organize a whole event with haunted houses and a fucking dance of "girls invite" with the theme of the ancient witches, because the committee organizers decided to take this year as one of girl power. Connor actually loves that idea, he's a huge fan of Marie Curie even though no one knows it, and he's not stupid enough not to value human life, thank you. So he likes the idea, but what he doesn't like is that Cindy wants them to go together.

Connor must have known when all this started, nothing would end well, he seemed like a stupid attempt at a man, because he was using a girl to get the idea out of his head and stop thinking about what he really was. He can't even mention the word to himself, and it all sucks.

_He feels like shit._

Connor has been avoiding Cindy by leaving school with Michael who does nothing but talk about the Heere girl who went to another state and with whom he's completely in love thanks to their daily conversations. And that reminds him that Evan has his number and yet he hasn't called in a week, it's not like it's his obligation after all. It was actually Evan's mother who wanted his number, not him.

"I don't know, Murphy, she's really amazing… I mentioned something about getting tattoos together and she said 'sure, maybe when I get back'."

Michael handed him the marijuana cigarette. "And what the fuck are you going to get tattooed?"

Michael laughed, he's totally high, thinks Connor. "Pac-Man."

"Pac-Man?" Connor coughs taking the cigarette out of his mouth and bringing the inside of his elbow to his face to cover himself.

"Everybody loves Pac-Man."

"Still stupid." Michael hunched his shoulders and took another drag on his cigarette.

"Shit, I have to go to work." He tried to stand up, but fell over several times and then laughed like that was the funniest thing in the world.

"You're fucking irresponsible, you can't go to work high." Connor stood up and held out a hand for the boy to take. Michael grabbed her and was finally able to stand up. "Do you want me to take you?"

"I'd love you if you did." Connor shrugged and pulled out the car keys that he knows Zoe won't let him drive, especially not when he's been on drugs, but he doesn't care, Zoe can go to hell either way.

"How long have you been smoking?" Connor asked because they weren't even together for more than five minutes and the boy came in pretty high, which is an anomaly.

"I don't know." Michael's shoulders sagged. "Since lunch, I guess."

However, he doesn't tell her anything, even though he knows that Michael is never that irresponsible when it comes to marijuana, and that in fact he is always controlling what both of them consume, so this must have an explanation that he knows he cannot. ask Michael, because they are not friends and because the guy is high. But that doesn't stop him from worrying.

"No wait, I need my uniform, where's my backpack?" Michael searched everywhere. Desperately he shoved his hands into his pockets and then checked under his shirt.

"You have it on your shoulders, Mell." The boy laughed and sighed in relief mentioning something about Connor Murphy being his hero without a cape. "Just get in the car."

Michael decided it was a good idea to put the uniform on in the car. And unfortunately for Connor, 'putting on the uniform' meant that Michael would put on lotion too, so a hideous smell of perfume invaded the car.

He wrinkled his nose and glanced in the rearview mirror just on impulse.

"Why are you wearing that uniform?" Connor asked, immediately noticing the black polo shirt with the same logo Evan was wearing.

"For my work, mate."

"Is that the coffee shop you were talking about ...?" Michael laughed, but the words have been coming out with more meaning, so Connor assumes the effect of the drugs is wearing off.

"Right there, it belongs to my uncle, so there I am."

Connor chews the inside of his cheek and it takes him a couple of seconds to dare to ask if it was true that there were a lot of Evan in the place. Michael laughs because of course he would, he's Michael Mell after all. For a second Connor is grateful that he doesn't know about the bar hangout and that he definitely doesn't know anything about him and Evan.

And then he gets hit mentally because _what the fuck, Connor, there's nothing between you and Evan_.

"Of course not, I was joking." The boy put his red sweatshirt in his backpack. Instead he produced a box of gum, handing one to Connor. He absentmindedly denied. "There's a boy, Evan, yes. His mother is friends with my uncle so she gave this boy a job. He's nice, but we don't talk much because I don't know too much about sign language and he's very shy."

 _Oh sweet destiny_ , Connor thinks and it's a kick in the balls because destiny is a bitch and he seems to agree to give it a try now. Of course it is challenging him, it is looking him in the eye and whispering to them: _come on, let's see if you dare, accept what you are. Say you're a fag._

So he kicks fate, entity or whatever shit, he doesn't care. He kicks it and yet he asks, not because he's gay, not because he likes Evan and has been thinking of him at the least appropriate moments to think of a man being straight. No, he asks because he is curious, because he is interested, because he liked the boy and Connor has no friends. Just for that and not for anything else.

"This boy ... is he deaf?"

"Yes, he is," he replied and must know that Connor cared because he continued. "My uncle's wife is deaf-mute so he knows sign language, I tell him the coffee orders and he talks to Evan."

Connor doesn't know a language other than English and he's not even an expert because he obviously doesn't pay attention in class. So considering that Evan understands more than one version of the language makes him feel like a selfish jerk. As if, like the rest of the world, he had become comfortable in his ignorance, forgetting that there are people different from him.

"Why so much interest?"

"For nothing." He parked the car.

"As you say, captain." Mell made a gesture to put her hand on her forehead like a sailor. "Thanks for bringing me, Con."

And that's the first time Michael hasn't called him by his last name or full name.

"You're welcome," he whispered even though he couldn't hear it anymore.

It's less than a week until the high school Halloween party. Christine Canigula is in charge of all the preparations and even took care of helping some people with their costumes.

She shows up in her history class one morning looking exhausted with two dark bags under her eyes and pale skin without that distinctive smile so characteristic of hers. Connor thinks someone has to get that girl to sleep at least eight healthy hours.

"This is Jeremy Heere, he'll study with you, so please behave yourself and give him a warm welcome," she says and despite how tired she looks, she doesn't lose her pleasant tone. Although none of the teenagers in the place seem to be infected by human descent and ignore her and the boy who seems strangely familiar.

She whispers a few things to him as he nods before walking to a seat at the front of the class. The front spots are rarely crowded unless you care about class or whatever.

"If that's all, Miss Canigula, I ask you to leave."

The teacher murmurs with the same apathy as the rest of the students.

No one pays attention to Christine when she leaves the classroom or to Jeremy Heere who is wearing the ugliest clothes, and yet to Connor the boy still looks familiar.

It takes the boy a couple of hours and it's actually quite amazing. It's not one of the days they get together to smoke, Connor is just in the bathroom because he had to use it and Michael walks in totally flustered. His face is scared and there are traces of tears in his eyes.

"Did you get high again?" Connor asked finishing washing his hands.

The boy repeatedly shook his head from side to side in obvious distress. "It's Janice ... she doesn't- she doesn't exist."

"What are you talking about?" Connor asked again suspecting that maybe someone was grooming him.

"I'm gay, Connor. Janice isn't a girl."

_I'm gay._

The words don't seem so difficult to pronounce, he is surprised by how easily Michael says them and for a moment he debates whether to hit him for saying something that disgusting or whether he should just listen to it.

"Does being gay bother you?" He asked because he needs to know.

"What? No," he replied and is firm. There's no question in his answer and for a second he actually seems offended by the question. As if Connor had to know. "I always suspected ... that was a possibility, I thought I was bisexual because of Janice, but this just ... I don't know, it just confirms that I'm not ... I'm really gay."

"If that doesn't bother you, why do you look like shit?"

There is a burden of grief on Michael's face, he looks ashamed and guilty. The kind of look Connor expects from a guy who just said he's gay so naturally, but it's nothing of the sort and it's like 'gay' doesn't mean shame in Michael Mell's dictionary.

It's like that is actually a normal word, like saying _"hey look, I have two fully functional testicles."_

"Because I've been treating this guy like a girl, he looked happier ... I mean, he sounded more cheerful in the messages, there was something different and I- I didn't notice." He hit his forehead. "Hell, I didn't ask him what should be the most basic question in human coexistence."

"I don't understand anything, what are you talking about, Mell?"

"Janice doesn't exist, Connor, this is Jeremy, Jeremy Heere."

And it all makes sense, for a reason Jeremy seemed so familiar. For one thing, Janice always felt strange even to him, but even though everything was making sense, Connor couldn't understand anything that was going on.

Cindy asks Connor to go to the dance together and he ... he agrees because he's a jerk and a coward who can't say no to her.

She convinces him to wear matching costumes, but the idea doesn't excite him at all.

"What do you think of this one?" Cindy drove her to a new costume store to pick something out together. Zoe got really mad when Connor told her that Cindy would take him home and he knows it was only because it was about her.

"It's ... original," he muttered not too surprised by the zombie nurse costume. Cindy smiled.

"Won't you try anything on yourself?"

"I have no desire."

"Oh come on Connor." She pulled him towards her trying to get the boy to stand up to accompany her to the back of the store. "Let's pick something you like."

There wasn't much that Connor liked. He liked that old horror series from one of Stephen King's novels, IT, but there was nothing he and Cindy could dress up as. Maybe from Beverly and Ben, or Richie and Eddie. Even maybe Mike and Bill who were one of their favorite duos, but even if they did something like that, they would be missing five more people.

The best costumes are for more than two or for less than two.

"How about Bonnie and Clyde?" She asked, clasping her hands to form a pistol with her fingers.

"The theme is witches, isn't it?"

"Of course!" She applauded. "It's too bad we can't use Ron and Hermione anymore or any Harry Potter costume."

Connor doesn't ask why she's so disappointed by it and since when did they ban them from Harry Potter characters, but he doesn't care because he doesn't even like it.

"Do you like The Wicked? Because you'd be an amazing Elphaba."

"I do not know."

"I'll find the costumes, stay here."

Connor threw back his head, tucking his long slender fingers through his hair. He was too tired for all of this, he wasn't sure he wanted to go to the Halloween party and he was hungry as hell.

He felt his stomach vibrate, but that was definitely not his hungry stomach's fault. Connor pulled his cell phone out of his jacket and looked at the message on the screen.

 **[Unknown number]** Hi, Connor.

 **[Unknown number]** I hope I don't disturb you. I am sorry either way.

 **[Unknown number]** This is Evan, by the way.

Destiny, entity, or whatever shit was definitely a bitch. And Connor can't help but feel like the smile on his face is going to break his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So obviously Cynthia is a good mother and she knows that Connor's sexuality doesn't include women on the list, but she gives him his space because she's confused.
> 
> And Jeremy is an FtM trash guy, I'm very excited about this because he's my first trans character, which is a bit absurd because I'm trans too, so I hope that if you're trans you can feel a little identified.
> 
> And I love Heidi, she's an angel, I won't say anything else.

**Author's Note:**

> I would really love to read your reviews or your opinion about the chapter so that I can continue without errors.
> 
> If anyone read this, I'm so grateful and send you hugs with my best wishes.


End file.
